Today at work, as I sat in my bosses site cabbin eating my lunch, we where talking about my ambition to go back to collage, my step dad is still working on his lap top and dose not look over to me, but I say that im not sure if I should or if I want to, and he said "well what do you want to do?!" As he kept working I replyed "I dont know" and he said "well you must have interest you must have something you want to do, so what do you want to do?" This question as be asked of me so much by myself let alone the people who know me, and in the moment I started to cry, just softly to myself, I did not want to cry I knew it would do nothing and help no one, I was wearing my hoddi with the over sized hood and thanks to it when some steel workers walked in I was able to leavem y luch and just walk out, I could not help my self I felt I needed to let go I needed to let it out, I booted my helmet and walk out of the site and spent the next ten minutes crying by a wall out the front of the school we are adding to, I feel so scared not to know the desires of my owen heart and to see that frustrated look on my step dad the same face everyone who knows me makes I cant hekp byt to feel that all I will be asking is, "whats next?" "what do I want?" My step dad stoped his work and found me made me a mug off tea and told me about the way all his friends had died around him in a car crash amd how you can never know tomorrow, I knew what he was going to say even before he found me because its the same as what anyone would say in that position iv been that person before, I managed to clam myself and continue the day, but I never realised that I had grown so distant from myself I never realised I could just break down and cry, iv always been reserved iv never wanttec drama
( I am a labourer on my step dads building site, he is also my boss)
Thursday 22 January 2015
Sunday 11 January 2015
the moss that grows on stone
Feel like all the effort I go through in like has led me to being tough but physically weak I feel like moss, I dont need much, I 'll grow on concrete to live and iv been there in the corners since the beginning, I have no art no muse, I have no effect anymore and I dont change at all.
in my life as the human moss I get on with things, you know so people think im ok, so they arnt changed, so I dont burst out with everything that wrong, and so I dont feel like im a liar, because they dont think im sad. But with everything I do and everything I touch theres a grind a slip up or a full on break, most of the time I feel like people think im being pretentious or play the devels advocac, iv got no real relationships iv nothing to bace them off and when I try to socialise its like im playing jenga with what I can say or I find the blockis already gone but I dont know where.
I dont know, because you do, I can because it usless, my mind is like a civ some days and I cant eat dinner because it doesn't have tast, iv had the same block nose for what seem like for ever and my ear attacks me every time I sit and stand (a build up of fluid behing my ear drum) my room is a mess partly by choice, iv given up on the clean and tidy when I all I can think is I wanna rot like the 3month old co co pos on my desc, iv got three computers that once worked I pached them all up for one p.c and it broke, I cant help but want to wast my time smoking weed because it makes me feel relaxed, sorry thats a lie because it make me distracted so I dont dweel and fall into the well of suicidal thought that plage my every second step
in my life as the human moss I get on with things, you know so people think im ok, so they arnt changed, so I dont burst out with everything that wrong, and so I dont feel like im a liar, because they dont think im sad. But with everything I do and everything I touch theres a grind a slip up or a full on break, most of the time I feel like people think im being pretentious or play the devels advocac, iv got no real relationships iv nothing to bace them off and when I try to socialise its like im playing jenga with what I can say or I find the blockis already gone but I dont know where.
I dont know, because you do, I can because it usless, my mind is like a civ some days and I cant eat dinner because it doesn't have tast, iv had the same block nose for what seem like for ever and my ear attacks me every time I sit and stand (a build up of fluid behing my ear drum) my room is a mess partly by choice, iv given up on the clean and tidy when I all I can think is I wanna rot like the 3month old co co pos on my desc, iv got three computers that once worked I pached them all up for one p.c and it broke, I cant help but want to wast my time smoking weed because it makes me feel relaxed, sorry thats a lie because it make me distracted so I dont dweel and fall into the well of suicidal thought that plage my every second step
Saturday 14 June 2014
topic 1: love
ok here we go
in the beginning, I thought love was what everyone wanted and what everyone needs now im not so sure, and I would like to describe something, im not quit sure though so, this blog is about discovery as much as sharing myself. I want to describe the feelings I get in context as though I am making this a diary but for people to read.
but I wont hold back I promise x
ok I think my first love was my dog he was my best friend and my only companion though the hardest times I ever had, his name was buster and my mum found him running around in the road out front of my house, we already had a dog lead and collar from our last dog that my mum got when my sister was born witch died a few years before hand, we took the dog to the police they said you can keep it for 2 weeks and we will contact you if someone come in looking for it, after 2 weeks we can ether put it down or you can keep it, at that time my mum looked at me and said ''liam do you want a dog?'' pure happiness filled my face with a huge grin and I said yes how could I not.
he was a half border collie half Alsatian and his tail was cut off but that ment nothing to me all i knew was I had a dog :D I walked him every day without fail and then one day he had a fit and I had to hold him so he would not hurt himself I was so scared I just got a friend and he was struggling, over time he had less and less fits they came around maybe every 2 months, and one day in one off his fits he just went limp when I was holding him in my arms, it was so sudden and he got so much heavier I remember trying to give him the kiss off life, chest compressions, and plain screaming but I had no idea what to do, his gums went grey and i knew he was gone I burred my head in his fur and cried I had never felt so much before. he made me fell content and he gave me something no abject could and he left and I never got to say goodbye. my mum asked me to go get a blanket from upstairs when I got down we wrapped him in it when my step dad got home from work I got one of my friends and we got a spade with help from them we dug a grave in the back garden I had never felt so weak as I did then.
but I wont hold back I promise x
ok I think my first love was my dog he was my best friend and my only companion though the hardest times I ever had, his name was buster and my mum found him running around in the road out front of my house, we already had a dog lead and collar from our last dog that my mum got when my sister was born witch died a few years before hand, we took the dog to the police they said you can keep it for 2 weeks and we will contact you if someone come in looking for it, after 2 weeks we can ether put it down or you can keep it, at that time my mum looked at me and said ''liam do you want a dog?'' pure happiness filled my face with a huge grin and I said yes how could I not.
he was a half border collie half Alsatian and his tail was cut off but that ment nothing to me all i knew was I had a dog :D I walked him every day without fail and then one day he had a fit and I had to hold him so he would not hurt himself I was so scared I just got a friend and he was struggling, over time he had less and less fits they came around maybe every 2 months, and one day in one off his fits he just went limp when I was holding him in my arms, it was so sudden and he got so much heavier I remember trying to give him the kiss off life, chest compressions, and plain screaming but I had no idea what to do, his gums went grey and i knew he was gone I burred my head in his fur and cried I had never felt so much before. he made me fell content and he gave me something no abject could and he left and I never got to say goodbye. my mum asked me to go get a blanket from upstairs when I got down we wrapped him in it when my step dad got home from work I got one of my friends and we got a spade with help from them we dug a grave in the back garden I had never felt so weak as I did then.
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