today I was asked a question

Today at work, as I sat in my bosses site cabbin eating my lunch, we where talking about my ambition to go back to collage, my step dad is still working on his lap top and dose not look over to me, but I say that im not sure if I should or if I want to, and he said "well what do you want to do?!" As he kept working I replyed "I dont know" and he said "well you must have interest you must have something you want to do, so what do you want to do?" This question as be asked of me so much by myself let alone the people who know me, and in the moment I started to cry, just softly to myself, I did not want to cry I knew it would do nothing and help no one, I was wearing my hoddi with the over sized hood and thanks to it when some steel workers walked in I was able to leavem y luch and just walk out, I could not help my self I felt I needed to let go I needed to let it out, I booted my helmet and walk out of the site and spent the next ten minutes crying by a wall out the front of the school we are adding to, I feel so scared not to know the desires of my owen heart and to see that frustrated look on my step dad the same face everyone who knows me makes I cant hekp byt to feel that all I will be asking is, "whats next?" "what do I want?" My step dad stoped his work and found me made me a mug off tea and told me about the way all his friends had died around him in a car crash amd how you can never know tomorrow, I knew what he was going to say even before he found me because its the same as what anyone would say  in that position iv been that person before, I managed to clam myself and continue the day, but I never realised that I had grown so distant from myself I never realised I could just break down and cry, iv always been reserved iv never wanttec drama
( I am a labourer on my step dads building site, he is also my boss)

the moss that grows on stone

Feel like all the effort I go through in like has led me to being tough but physically weak I feel like moss, I dont need much, I 'll grow on concrete to live and iv been there in the corners since the beginning, I have no art no muse, I have no effect anymore and I dont change at all.

in my life as the human moss I get on with things, you know so people think im ok, so they arnt changed, so I dont burst out with everything that wrong, and so I dont feel like im a liar, because they dont think im sad. But with everything I do and everything I touch theres a grind a slip up or a full on break, most of the time I feel like people think im being pretentious or play the devels advocac, iv got no real relationships iv nothing to bace them off and when I try to socialise its like im playing jenga with what I can say or I find the blockis already gone but I dont know where.

I dont know, because you do, I can because it usless, my mind is like a civ some days and I cant eat dinner because it doesn't have tast, iv had the same block nose for what seem like for ever and my ear attacks me every time I sit and stand (a build up of fluid behing my ear drum) my room is a mess partly by choice, iv given up on the clean and tidy when I all I can think is I wanna rot like the 3month old co co pos on my desc, iv got three computers that once worked I pached them all up for one p.c and it broke, I cant help but want to wast my time smoking weed because it makes me feel relaxed, sorry thats a lie because it make me distracted so I dont dweel and fall into the well of suicidal thought that plage my every second step